Earlier I wrote this entry for today. Its just nothing but ramblings and talk to evade what I really want to write about, what I am afraid to write about. I haven't said this to anyone, I really haven't fully admitted this to myself, and I hope that once I have said it I can begin to work on it. I'm pretty sure that Jeff is unaware of it or he is just ignoring it for the time being.
I'm in a really bad place right now concerning my marriage and my relationship with Jeff. I'm not happy, in fact I'm depressed with the direction our relationship has been going for the past year. I'm not sure when it happened, or if there was some event that turned me into this direction. It could have been my mother's death, it could have been when I declared that I no longer believed in a Judeo-Christian god, or it could be that I'm dissatisfied with myself. I'm not sure, I just know that something in my marriage isn't right, and I can't pin point it.
I'm married to a wonderful man. Women envy my husband. He is a hard worker, supportive, a wonderful father, he does laundry, washes dishes, and cleans bathrooms, and he is always trying to better himself. Jeff is fascinating, intelligent and good-looking. He is by far the most wonderful man I have ever been with, but I feel like we are roommates who have sex. The relationship has no depth, no undying love, no romance, and frankly the time we do spend together is only surface conversations about things we have talked about before. I'm not saying that every moment of our lives is this way, or that there is love between us, I just want the sparks, the gushy "I'm in love" feelings to be there.
Before some of you think that having a child did this to our relationship, let me tell you that having Elizabeth had nothing to do with this. In some ways it has always been like this. From the moment we got married Jeff and I have been spinning into two separate circles, something I thought was good but now I believe it is having a derogatory effect on who we are and our relationship. I NEED undying love and romance, I NEED to know someone's soul and I NEED for someone to know mine. I know that I'm hiding my soul from him in many ways, this journal is one way, not to mention in my everyday life as a mother and wife. These feelings have nothing to do with feeling unappreciated or worn out as a stay-at-home mom, these are feelings as a woman who has needs, needs that are not being met.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that Jeff is a bad husband or a bad lover, I'm just saying that there are some serious things lacking, and I know that I am not giving all that I can to him. I want to tell him, I want us to focus on us and our relationship and being together. I want us to do fun things together, enjoy each other, laugh and talk and feel that passion that I know is beneath the surface. I need my tank filled, I know he needs his. This is not anything he did wrong or I did wrong, this is something that has happened, due to our carelessness, do to letting work, school, our child and my hobbies get in the way of why we are together in the first place. I imagine a lot of marriages have this problem, I just don't want it to snowball for years and years until one of us walks out the door because we are miserable or because we found what we had with someone else.
I wish I could say all this to him, without him getting defensive, without him telling me he is doing the best he can. I know he is doing the best he thinks he can. He is working over fifty hours a week and going to grad school full time, and juggling a family and household. I know that part of the reason I feel this way is that he is gone all the time or studying all the time or tired all the time. When we are together you can cut the tension with a knife, his mind is on other things and mine is on whether or not we will end up in a argument, with one of us retreating to separate areas of the house. I know I want more, I want to be the love of his life, and I want him to show it. I want us to be together and when people see us they know that we are in love. I want to be able to give to him like I have given to no other person, but I find myself falling short.
I'm at a loss. I don't know how to talk to him. I don't know how to fix this. I know that is something that needs to be taken care of, something that needs to be resolved. I can't live like this, I don't want us to live like this.