There Is No Spoon


Tonight I watched Matrix for the second time. the first time I watched it I was lost and confused but this time around I was really into the movie and the meaning behind it. The Matrix and the movie Sliding Doors have both fascinated me in the last few days, mainly because of the odd, intense conversations Jeff and I have had about time and death and the reality of our world. Since my rejection of Christianity I still find myself yearning and wanting to know if there is something greater than ourselves. I definitely feel that we are spiritual beings and I often feel that the higher power I often wonder about is within ourselves.

Jeff really does not worry about what will happen to us once we are dead, he feels like our life here on earth is just a small part of a bigger picture. I think because I have lost so many loved ones to death in the past few years I find myself totally engrossed over whether or not there is an afterlife, heaven or hell, and if there is reincarnation. Sometimes I feel like we are some higher power's pets used for entertainment purposes or that we are really some experiment that some aliens cooked up.

I know I've totally lost my mind, completely grasping at straws for answers I will never have.

The scriptures of the Bible haunt me. If there is truth to it, then I'm definitely going to miss out on eternal life and I will be eternally separated from God. At night I lay in bed and wonder if I should just go back to my roots, go back to following Jesus, and try to live a good Christian life. These thoughts are completely based on fear of condemnation and nothing to do with what I truly believe. I know that I can never go back to that life, I know that I can never return to Christianity. I see no truth in it any longer. It doesn't speak to me any longer. I no longer cry when I hear about the crucifix, or feel grateful that Jesus came to save a poor sinner like me. I do envy people who have great faith and trust in the Bible, God, and Salvation and I wonder what I lack inside of myself that I can't have that kind of faith.

Maybe if my mother was still alive or if Tim was here I would have not rejected Christianity and the message of Jesus. That is just an excuse however for what I have been feeling for sometime. Even when I was a part of the church I always felt that Christianity was not the only truth or the only way. When I would study my Bible lessons I often saw god as vengeful and hypocritical, not to mention jealous and cruel, but then I would hear about "grace" and Jesus' loving nature and that he sacrificed himself for us. As a child in Sunday school I found it hard to comprehend that the god who destroyed nations was Jesus' father.

I still read the Bible, not to mention other religious and historical text. I find it fascinating, but each and every time I open up the scriptures I feel relieved to not be a part of Christianity. The more I study and investigate the more I doubt. When I am approached by Christians who start to ramble about their beliefs and their truths I want to run and hide. It takes everything in me to keep my mouth shut. I find myself becoming intolerant of people who use their religion to murder, promote bigotry and to support their causes. My heart has hardened and my mind is no longer open, and I realize that I have become as closed minded with my disbelief as they have with their religion.




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