Reading: latest issue of Ms.
Listening: Narada Christmas Cd's
I am sick. I feel like shit.
||My Aunt is here. My house was spotless,
the laundry was done, food was cooked, but I still felt as if I was not measuring up. I
should be over this by now. These feelings of having to be accepted and having a
matriarchal approval should be over for me now. The last nineteen months since my mother's
death I have struggled to find my voice and make my own choices without having to seek
approval from my mother or wondering what she would want me to do. Yet here I am, feeling
as if I don't measure up as a mother, a wife, a housekeeper or a woman.
Since her arrival I feel that there is this distance between us. We were
once close, something my own mother was jealous of, but since her death I have felt like
she was pulling back. I think it is hard for her to believe that I am happy, that I am
fulfilled in the role I have chosen. Many times, it has been suggested that I go back to
college, or pursue a career because if I don't I will be leaving myself vulnerable should
something happen to my marriage.
I don't care about going back to college. I hated it the first
time. I saw it as a waste of my time. I'm not saying I didn't get anything valuable form
the experience, I'm saying that I would have rather spent my time living life and learning
in that way. I don't care about having a 9-5 career either, even before I had children I
didn't desire to do that. I wanted to write, I wanted to draw, I wanted to learn about
managing a home and about the lost art of being a house wife, and I wanted to be a mother.
My worth as a person or a woman is not measured in the amount of hours I spend at an
office or the amount of money I make. I want to learn how to sew, garden, smock, and cook
great dishes from scratch. I have no interest in fighting traffic every morning to reach
the office, or letting some day care provider raise my child so I can bring in
"my" share of the income. My equality is not based on if I can hold down a job
and bring in a income.
Is it really that hard to believe that I enjoy my life? I decided
sometime ago that I was going to live my life the way I wanted to, I was going to pursue
the things I enjoyed, get involved in things I wanted to get involved with and enjoy the
life I have. Being a "super mom" who works and holds down a family is not
something that is going to make me happy or make me a better person. I want MY time. I
want to be able to sit and read and study the things I am interested in. I want to be able
to go to the beach or the park in the middle of the day if the mood strikes me. I want to
be able to walk around in my pajamas half the day and go to bed at two o'clock in the
morning if I feel like it.
My grandfather and dad came for lunch today. My
sister and her heathens were supposed to come too but never showed up. I had cooked two
spiral cut honey baked hams for the occasion and we only ate about half of one. So for the
next week or so we will be eating ham on sandwiches, in casseroles and for dinner. I also
made potato salad and big pot of green beans to go with it. The meal was actually pretty
good. For desert I had made a peach cobbler, but everyone was so full from the lunch we
had they didn't want any.
This was the first time my grandfather had been to
my new house, and he thought it was really nice, complementing on how big it was. He also
told us stories about growing up during the depression and about various relatives which
used to really bore me but now I find it fascinating. There is so much to learn from our
elders and from the stories they tell. He sat on the floor and played with my new kitten,
Lucifer, for awhile, telling us about the pets he had had through his life and their names
and what happen to them.
My sister and her heathens never showed up, which
actually pissed me off. They had spent Thursday through Sunday in Birmingham due to her
husband's uncle dying, but she assured me they would be leaving so they could visit with
our aunt on Sunday afternoon. They didn't even get back into town until eight o'clock
because her husband's cousin wanted them to eat lunch with them. My aunt has not been here
in nineteen months and they can drive four hours any weekend they want to visit his
relatives. It really aggravated me that she was so rude and inconsiderate.
Family. Too bad you can't choose them.