December 15, 1999

In Depth


Reading: The newspaper

Listening: Native American Music

Eating: Nothing



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Over the last four days I have realized a few things about my relationship with my aunt. One is that we have very little in common. I once thought we were two peas from the same pod, but I find myself finding little in common with her. It's like she has lost her depth as a person, almost cynical and distant and not in tune to what is going on our family or in the world for that matter. I've noticed the last few times I've been around her, how self centered and unresponsive she really is. The majority of the time she was here she sat outside, smoking and reading, and as the day turned into evening she began drinking. I don't know if she realizes how selfish and self centered this behavior is. Instead of talking with me or spending time with us she did something that she can easily do at home. The thing is, she does do this at home. I feel sorry for her husband because that has to get old.

My feelings were hurt today when she told me she had no interest in going out to my pottery teachers house and seeing some of the things I have made. I've been taking classes for a year now and I really wanted to share this with my aunt, and let her see what I have been learning. In fact, the whole entire time she was here, she never even asked to see anything I had made or if something out was something I had done.

Tonight she made a comment to me that I was like my grandmother, which really pissed me off. I am in a lot of ways like my grandmother but she was saying I had more characteristics than any of the women in our family. I was starting to think, at least I got the good traits. My grandmother was a bitch, cold and incapable of showing love. My aunt doesn't see that she has taken on the worst traits of her mother, distancing herself from family and loved ones and acting incapable of showing love. Saying "I love you" and buying someone gifts, is not a demonstration of love. Spending time, acting interested in others hobbies and desires, and treating people with some dignity and respect is a purer demonstration of love.

I always had fond memories of my Aunt Bonnie spending time with us, taking us places, talking to us, and acting interested in things we enjoyed. I wanted that for my own children, but I'm afraid it is something my child is not going to get the chance to have.