December 5,1999

Holding On

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This whole getting pregnant thing is starting to consume me. My temp was back up the past two mornings but last night and early this morning I had spotting. This is one of those things that could be good or bad. I could be have implantation spotting or I could be starting my period. It's almost 11 pm and I haven't spotted anymore so my fingers are crossed that this is a good sign.

I'm really thinking that this is it, that this month, this winter I am pregnant. Something inside of me, just like when Elizabeth was conceived is telling me that in nine months I'll be giving birth to a healthy baby. I know that if it didn't happen I'm going to be disappointed and I'm going to stop trusting my instincts.


Today was one of those lazy Sundays you love and hate all at the same time. I was feeling kind of funky so Jeff cooked me breakfast, pancakes and sausage. It was wonderful and I gorged on them, swallowing down a huge glass of orange juice afterwards. It wasn't long before I was feeling the need to make myself useful and started cleaning up the house, and picking up the clutter that had collected over the last couple of days. I sat at my computer and checked my email and read some journal entries and then decided to finish my Christmas decorating.

It was raining all day today with a cool breeze that just nipped your nose. I didn't feel all that cold, at first, but then when the wet wind hit my face I was starting to feel chilly but I managed to finish the decorating of our front door and fix the lights on the roof of the house. I didn't stay out long, and I headed for my big over stuffed chair and curled up to watch some TV. I wasn't really sure what was on but I was looking for holiday type programs. Elizabeth and I watched The Grinch That Stole Christmas and then afterwards I flipped it to an Evening Star, the sequel to Terms of Endearment. I sat there crying for the remainder of the afternoon, but with the rain and cold, and the cloudiness a good cry did me some good.

The rain quit briefly so I wandered around the street talking to my neighbors about their holiday decorations, and upcoming plans. The rain started again so I want back in to see that my aunt had called. I was hoping it was good news and called her right away to find out that she is definitely coming next weekend. I am soooo happy. This is another one of those things that leads me to believe that this month might have been the one for us conceiving. She isn't all big into the kid thing but I'll know she will be excited if I can take a HPT while she is here and it comes out positive. Plus without having my mom around, it would be exciting to share something like that with her.

I guess I need to outline some of the similarities between this months cycle and the one I had when I conceived Elizabeth.

1. I had not ovulated in seven months. By looking at my charts, this would hold true for this time too.

2.I conceived Elizabeth on a Sunday, if I am pregnant it would have happened on a Sunday.

3.Within five days if ovulation I started feeling pregnant, and taking mid day naps, which I never do. Yesterday I fell asleep doing something for my daughter and woke up two hours later, thankfully Jeff was here.

4.I was staying with my Aunt Cindy when I got a positive HPT reading. Aunt Cindy is coming to stay with us, and if I haven't stated my period by the time she arrives I will be taking a test while she is here.

I'm looking at more to this than what is there.