There is something about infertility that does something to a person. It changes your life, changes the way you look at the world, and changes relationships. My husband and I have been married almost 6 years and we are trying for number two. My sister, a RN, believes I've lost my mind considering the nightmare pregnancy I had and the uterine defect.

I want another baby, and I'd like to have another biological child. There is no way we can afford to go the surrogacy route at this time, and I really don't want to wait another four or five years, when Wild Child is seven to have another child. I enjoyed having a sibling that I was close to, and so did Jeff. Adoption is definitely an option but I feel the need to try and do this whole pregnancy thing again. I did it the first time. I made it 38 weeks. She was healthy. My uterus didn't rupture. I can do that again, right???

Yes, I understand it is selfish. Yes, I know that this pregnancy could be worse than the first. Yes I know the risks: premature labor, uterine rupture, bed rest, repeat c-section. So am I a bad person for wanting this?

All I ever wanted to do was have a home and a family. Don't get me wrong, Wild child is the center of my world, she is beautiful, intelligent and fun, she fills me with joy but even with the new house, the great husband, the wonderful child, I want another. When we got married I wanted five children, and on February 4th, 1997, when I found out about my uterine anomaly, that dream was shattered. My OB said I could probably have another successful pregnancy, but with each pregnancy the uterus would become weaker, and most likely I'd have to be a repeat c-section. I was in denial about it for some time, but after doing some research, I was hit with the reality that this was something not to play games with.

So what am I doing? Gambling. Gambling with my body and the unknown person I could conceive. Other women have done it. I even corresponded with a woman who had three pregnancies, the last being twins. I can do this, I keep telling myself.

I'm getting way ahead of myself with all these ifs and buts though. The reality is I might not get pregnant. It took three years to Get Wild Child. With Jeff's count not being the greatest and my septum, there maybe no meeting of egg and sperm, that is if I even ovulate. Damn this is complicated.

I remember when we first got married and I stopped taking the pill. We were poor, happy and didn't care if we got pregnant or not. I only had four periods that year. The next year I had three. I gained fifty pounds, and I barely ate anything. Then we found out that when Jeff was younger he had been given medication that causes sterility. This was on top all the steroids(three injections a year, pills, inhalers) and medications he has had to take for asthma. Great, now what, I thought to myself.

Its amazing that 19 million sperm makes a man infertile, or considered to have a small count. I mean it only takes one right?

So I went to the doctor after two years, we both did, and not only did he have problems but I did to. Thank God, I had come across this book on Fertility Awareness and took my charts with me. I wasn't ovulating. My thyroid was messed up and my blood pressure was high. I was twenty-two that year, and I was in terrible health. I left the doctor's office depressed and feeling sorry for myself.

I had not had a period in seven months when I got pregnant with Wild Child. My brother had been kidnapped and murdered seven weeks prior. We had just buried him two weeks before. I was in no mood for sex. Jeff had been wearing boxer shorts, eating a healthy diet high in protein, and taking extra selenium and zinc with his mutli-vitamin for almost six months. I'll never forget that morning when I woke up and my cervical mucus could be stretched over six inches and my temp was indicating ovulation. So we did the baby dance. I would like to say that was some of the best sex we ever had but I'd be lying, but eighteen days later I took five(yes FIVE) pregnancy tests and I was pregnant.

That wasn't the first time I'd ever been pregnant though. I got pregnant at 16(no protection) and had a miscarriage which caused an infection, and then again at 18 during a brief fling I found out I was pregnant(protection) again, I miscarried that time as well. Miscarriage is common in a bicornate uterus with a septum, especially early on in the pregnancy, and after all those years this is what we believe caused the two I had while being young and dumb.

Since my last period I've been charting. We are going to try and get pregnant on our own but if we can't do it in six months we are going to seek some help. I was ovulating, but this cycle, now on its forty-something day not one hint of ovulation. This really pisses me off because for the past two years I have had normal cycles. Urgh. Jeff is wearing boxers again, taking extra-supplements, trying not to cook his testicles in the shower, and hopefully by August all the old spermies will have been deposited or killed off. I'll be changing my diet, visiting the Ob/Gyn, exercising and trying not to worry.. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I'll get pregnant in the first few months, and have a wonderful, uneventful pregnancy that produces a healthy baby. I can dream can't I?