||I've cried all day today. The
first time the tears fell onto my cheeks was when Jeff and I got into a huge arguement. It
was really ugly. Screaming and yelling, throwing things, and calling of names. Jeff can
really scare me when he is angry. We were argueing because I've been asking him for the
past four days to help me around the house and help with the packing. So far I have packed
everybox, cleaned out every drawer, and every closet. He made this comment about me not
"really" working because I stay at home with Wild Child. I feel unappreciated
and disrespected when comments like that are made to me. The arguement got really heated
and at one point I was hating him. He started throwing stuff around the house and trying
to intimidate me, and all of this happen in front of our child. What is really strange is
he usually doens't act like this, and that is why episodes like this really put me on
edge. Later on he apologized but I haven't excepted his apology, and I don;t hink I will
until I think its sincere enough. I'm hurt and I'm angry.
The second time I cried is when I got home from pottery class and say
that V--- had written me email. Now before any of you think she wrote me an apology, think
again, I have never known V--- to apologize, except maybe to a man. I had written her a
short email about Wild Child and ome information about a local doctor we both know. I
wrote her not to get a response, but to basicly say -- I'm here, I'm fine, Wild Child is
fine and you are missing out. She wrote me a really nice email. I don't know of it was
sincere or faked niceness, it is hard to tell, but I am surprised that she wrote back. I
cried when I read it. Mainly because I do miss our friendship, I miss the laughter and the
long talks and the way we knew each other so well. She was like family and it is still
hard to believe the relationship is over. I'm bitter and I don;t know if I can forgive
her, but I want to. I just think I am owed an apology. I just want to read or hear the
words. If she could just apologize for what she did that day, that week and the half
truths and lies that came out of her mouth, I know I could just forgive her. Right now I
am afraid to forgive her. I am often tempted to call her but I never do. I don't want her
to think that what she did to me was okay, and that I will just let it slide. (something
she often accused me of doing with others) The letter basicly says she is seeing someone
and doing volunteer work, and that she loves Wild Child and could I send her a picture. I
wonder if she feels guilty, I wonder if she ever wants to call me just to talk or tell me
the latest gossip, I wonder if she thinks about us, and I wonder if she will swallow her
pride and say what I so desperately want to hear.
I think my writing has been really sucky
lately. I just haven't been in the mood. Forgive me.
Back to Journey and
Mixed Emotions and the Great
Listening to the sound of my breathing.
Just finished two articles in Fertility Awareness
and Nonviolent Parenting in the home.
I'm doing great in pottery. I want a wheel so bad
but don;t know if we should invest the money just yet. We will see.
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