March 16, 1999

I was thinking about how our emotions and inner feelings control us last night. I was thinking about why I was overweight and why at every attempt to loose the extra pounds I fail. I want to say self control but I know it is more then that. I have self control in many areas of my life, I ate well while pregnant, breastfed for twenty months, administer self control when it comes to my marriage, and I am disciplined in other areas of my life as well. I started to think of when I had a waist as small as Barbie, and the hourglass figure that brought alot of attention. You would think that would be a happy time in my life but it wasn't. I was constantly told I was fat, even at 140lbs and being 5'10 by my boyfriend Chris. I worked out two times a day and did aerobics. I wore very slimming and sexy clothing to show off my figure, but even when I was down to 125 and looking sick, I still heard I was fat. No matter how hard I tried I could never be good enough, or perfect enough, or skinny enough. I remember days in which I ate nothing and only drank diet sodas. I was miserable, but I wanted to please him. I was trying to keep him and didn't matter how. I was willing to do anything. I believed I was in love and even though he had cheated on me and abused me emotionally and had betrayed me I still try to win him over.

When I think of the time I was thin, I think of a time in which I was sick. I looked sick, I felt bad, and emotionally I was a wreck. I was not a healthy person emotionally or physically and I never want to be that person again. I do not want to be that girl who practically starved herself trying to please a man. I don't want to be that person who used their body to gain attention and seduce men. I felt insecure being thin, vulnerable, and at times I felt naked. I don't ever want to feel that way again. I do not want to be that weak, skinny girl who used her body instead of brains.

When I met Mr. Wonderful I had a little weight on me. I weighed about 150 and I was still looking good. I made a good deal of money in the line of work I did and by no means was I considered overweight. I felt comfortable at that weight, even though I had the lingering thoughts that I was not good enough, not pretty enough. Mr. Wonderful and I married and I put on a great deal of weight. I was building emotional walls with food, which turned intofat surrounding my midsection and thighs. I hid behind the weight. I had who I was, I hid my fears and it appeared that I was confident woman. I've gained and lost weight over the last 6 years of marriage. Hubby has at times said things to me about my weight, but only a few times, and it was not nasty or degrading. He wishes I was 150 again and has expressed that several ways but never been as pushy and as mean about my weight as Chris was.

At times I am totally motivated to loose the weight, but something keeps me from moving forward and pushing myself to change my diet. For one I LOVE food, I have a relationship with food, food is wonderful, especially delicious tasting food. I savor every bite, I feel at times I am making love to my food, especially a very appetizing entree. I am also afraid of becoming that skinny, sickly, obsessed person I was when I was with Chris. The self conscious feeling that left me wondering if I would ever be good enough. I fear that being skinny again will change me. Right now I am happy with who I am. I feel confident most days, and I am in a very secure loving relationship. I have established a family that I can be proud of, I have a wonderful spouse and a beautiful daughter. I still have retained my looks, and I like who I am, something I couldn't say 7 years ago when I was that skinny girl with the controlling boyfriend. I am beginning to live life for me instead of others and often think that by loosing the weight I would be giving into the concept that all women are suppose to have bodies like Miss America.

Of course this is me just musing over why I am not pursuing the weight loss thing as I should.


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