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July 16, 1999 This morning I got up with a terrible cramp in my leg. I could barely walk, so I collapsed back into bed. I tried to work it out but finally I just got out of bed, stood on it and walked it out. I hate when that happens.

I'm not a morning person, but my child is. I'm practically stumbling through the house when I get up, to fix her breakfast, change her diapers, and to get her dressed for the day. She is bright and cheerful, chattering away in toddler language I don't understand and I'm feeling I just got hit by a Mack truck.

After fixing her breakfast, I mosey on into the home office to check my email and to sip on the drink of my choice. I'm not a big coffee drinker but on some mornings its the only thing that can get me moving into second gear. I often drink grape Kool-Aid, or Dr.Pepper to revive me.

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I've been thinking about V--- lately. Its been a month since we last spoke, and from what I'm hearing from the grapevine she is living in solitude, only associating with her boss and his wife and a few aquaitances from her old church. She hasn't been attending church regularly either. At times I feel I totally hate her for what she did to me, but then how can I feel that way about someone I had a relationship with for almost thirteen years of my life.

I've been contemplating sending her an announcement card when we move, with our new address and phone numbers. Jeff thinks its a bad idea, and he says that she would probably see it as manipulative if I sent it to her. I can see his point, and in a way it would be manipulative. I want her to know that I AM okay, and doing just fine without her friendship. I want her to sit in that house of hers, alone, and think about how bad she screwed up. I also want her to think about Wild Child, and all the things she's missing.

I would be lying if I said I didn't miss our friendship. I do. At times I catch myself wanting to call her to tell her something about Wild Child or the latest gossip. When I'm out shopping or in mid-town I think of dropping by her house like I once did.

Over the past few weeks I've gotten phone calls from a "Private Name Private Number" that hung up once I answered or just sat there on the answering machine. I know it is V---, all other "private" numbers are blocked but hers (something she doesn't know I did) and the first few times it happen it was during her vacation week. Jeff thinks she was trying to get the courage up to speak to me, but then chickened out. On Wednesday night Jeff said he answered the phone twice that read "Private" but they never spoke. We believe it was V---, trying to see if we had moved yet.

I don't see why these games have to be played, especially be her. She already looks like a foolish, coldhearted bitch as it is. V--- could call and say "I'm sorry", I've never heard her say those words before or admit when she is wrong, so I doubt the words will ever come out of her mouth but she could do it.

I'm loyal to a fault. I want to make things right to a fault, even when I'm in the right and the other person is in the wrong. I'm okay, I have great friends, a great husband and child, I have my writing, a new house, and I have outside interests, but I can't help feeling a tad sorry for her. She has lost most of her great childhood and college friends, she lives alone, she has nothing but her job and the people she works with hate her (and that's an understatement), she lives in complete solitude with that old dog of hers and from what I hear she is lonely. I know she brought this on herself, but I can't help the way I feel.

Back to Journey and Destination

Listening to Imagine Radio.
Last night I killed two GIANT roaches in our home office.
We are almost completely out of groceries in the house. I've been procrastinating about restocking the refrigerator and the pantry because that just means more to move.
I'm now hooked on another journal, The Precious Shining by Dreama.
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