February 1999


Pottery class was wonderful. There isn't anything better then having your hands in clay to work out your frustrations. The first lesson was easy. The tables at the teacher's shop were a little short so I had to sit on a stool to be able to wedge the clay, which was fine with me. My sister really enjoyed it too. We rode together, she drove, and I have no problem saying Kay's driving scares me. I think I will be driving from here on out. On the way home we had a nice conversation about the panic attacks I've been having and the fantasies of people dying. She said she has the same thoughts and images of people dying, especially since Tim was murdered. We also talked about religion.

I grew up in a fundamentalist christian home, and as I approached being a teenager my mother started going to a nondenominational charismatic church. I have had a lot of influence as far as the christian religion goes, and I feel brainwashed. TBN, Copeland, Joyce Meyers, Benny Hinn and almost any other person belonging to the Word of Faith camp and "charismania" type of christianity my mother indoctrinated us with. She really became addicted to watching and participating with this type of religion before she died, because she was so eager to be healed. I must admit I bought into it all myself and really believed in divine healing, speaking in tongues, slain in the spirit, the power of our words, ect., but there is some serious doubt now. I don't know what I believe anymore. Everytime I turn around I read about another faker, another disgrace, and another truth. I'm not ready to turn form christianity yet but I'm getting close. Its kind of hard to turn your back on a doctrine that says if you turn your back on it that you are going to burn in hell. This is something that definitely leaves me pondering in the dark at nights...HELL. Does it exist? Does "god" really send folks there? What is hell like? I also think about if I would go there if I died. Would I be eternally tormented? How many people would I know there? How bad will it be? Anyway the fear of fire and brimstone definitely loom over my head, and this is one of the reasons I haven't walked away from christianity yet.

Since my mother's death last May I have also been looking into other religions as well. The pagan lifestyle fascinates me, especially witchcraft and the worship of a Goddess has appeal. My great-grandmother was a solitary kitchen witch and supposedly on her death bed she passed her powers on to me. My mother lived in fear the demons were going to come and carry me off, so she had all her friends praying and laying hands on me that my great grandmother's powers wouldn't reach me. I will say that as long as I can remember I have always wanted to know more about herbs and their uses, not to mention divination. Of course I really haven't explored any of that until now because I didn't want to hear it from my mom on how I was playing with the Devil.

I hate to say it but I need recovery from the christian religion. I need to let go of the childhood teachings and start from scratch, have the opportunity to investigate religion for myself and in the meantime pray that if I die, I will not be going tot he depths of hell.

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