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July 22, 1999

Ordinary is Ordinary


Listening to Imagine Radio.


It is after midnight. I've been home for almost two hours, and for an hour and a half of that I have been on the phone with Stacy.


I went by the new house and they were putting down the new carpet.


Today's To Do List: 1.Get up and go to the bank to make a deposit.                       2.Go to Home Depot and buy paint to redo small table and chairs for Wild Child's room.   3.Clean out Wild Child's closet and finish packing up her room.


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Yesterday's Entry


As I drove to pottery my mind was suddenly filled with images of death. My mind often wanders, and it always wanders to death and someone dying. I felt like I might have a panic attack on the twenty minute drive through the country side because I kept thinking that Jeff was going to die. The scenario was playing in my head, he was dead, killed in some terrible accident, and the police were at my door telling me the news and I had no one to call because the people I needed the most were dead too. By the time I got to pottery I was crying. I'm so afraid of losing him, and I fear that I will, he and Wild child are practically the only family I have left.

I need to see a therapist about these episodes. They happen all too frequently, and become more and more realistic each time. this is one of the reasons I can't sleep. I stay up because I'm afraid that during the night something will happen. I check on the baby all the time. She is two and a half and I still think she could die of SIDS, or die in some freak stuffed animal accident. Sometimes I lay in bed and I listen to the sound of Jeff's breathing, afraid that if I close my eyes I may wake up and he be dead. I know, I'm sick, I need help.


Pottery was wonderful. It was almost a spiritual experience, and now more than ever, I want my own wheel. My sister showed up late, so I was able to be on the wheel the entire time. Forming the clay is becoming easier, the feeling for the wheel and the relaxing feeling it generates allows me to really get into it. I try to think of pottery like sex, you have to give if you want to receive, you have to feel passion for your piece to accomplish what you desire, and if its hurried you may not be satisfied in the end. If I get a wheel, I'm definitely going to set up my web cam for all of you to watch me. It may not be as sexy as what you have seen on Ghost, but you will get to see my freedom. Me, in leggings, a long shirt, no bra, hunched over, hair dangling with dirt up to my elbows, and of course bare footed.

I formed several pieces, and I'm very happy with the progress I'm making. My sister acted a little bitchy and wanted me to get off the wheel so she could get on. She was busy glazing so I told her I would pull my bat off as soon as she was ready to get on. Then she said sarcastically that there was no way I could throw in 15 or 20 minutes. I assured her I could. Then she preceded to bitch about the fact that she hadn't been on the wheel in over two months. Hell that's not my fault. She has skipped numerous of classes, shows up late, leaves early, and drags her feet. She had an attitude the whole time she was there talking down to me, and mumbling sarcastic remarks.

When Jeff got home yesterday he told me about his plans for the fall semester. He had just finished talking to his advisor, also one of the deans, and they had discussed him finishing up grad school in two years, instead of three. The past eighteen months he has spent taking classes to qualify for the program, but they are graduate level courses. They are basically for students who have bachelors degrees in math, science, or business that want to go into computer or information science, and they are used to weed people out. Even though Jeff has a degree in education he has the background to the equivalent of one in mathematics so he qualified. He has been excepted into the program (he has a 4.0) and the Dean, feeling he is intelligent enough to complete the course load in two years, is allowing him to do two independent studies, and he will take some CIS classes one summer semester. Next semester will be the hardest. He will have classes every night of the week, and he is doing an independent study. Thankfully with his new teaching position he will only be teaching three classes, and the same subject all day. I have a feeling though, I'm going to be insane before next semester ends.

With his schedule being like it is I don't see how the hell we can work on having a baby. I suppose I will work on my end, by seeing the RE, having the tests run (HSG, blood work, etc), and just waiting until after the first of the year. This could give me the opportunity to get in better shape and lose some weight. My sister says she is going to give me some type of exercise bike they have never used, if this is the case I will definitely use it. In my younger, skinnier years I used to do spinning and I loved it. So unless some miracle happens I don't think the baby making issue is going to be the forefront of our concerns until the first of the year. I will still be following fertility awareness and if I do happen to ovulate, I'll be sure to jump his bones.

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