|July 22, 1999
Ordinary is Ordinary
Listening to Imagine Radio.
It is after midnight. I've been home for
almost two hours, and for an hour and a half of that I have been on the phone with Stacy.
I went by the new house and they were
putting down the new carpet.
Today's To Do List: 1.Get up and go to
the bank to make a deposit.
2.Go to Home Depot and buy paint to redo small table and chairs for Wild Child's room.
3.Clean out Wild Child's closet and finish packing up her room.
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||As I drove to pottery
my mind was suddenly filled with images of death. My mind often wanders, and it always
wanders to death and someone dying. I felt like I might have a panic attack on the twenty
minute drive through the country side because I kept thinking that Jeff was going to die.
The scenario was playing in my head, he was dead, killed in some terrible accident, and
the police were at my door telling me the news and I had no one to call because the people
I needed the most were dead too. By the time I got to pottery I was crying. I'm so afraid
of losing him, and I fear that I will, he and Wild child are practically the only family I
I need to see a therapist
about these episodes. They happen all too frequently, and become more and more realistic
each time. this is one of the reasons I can't sleep. I stay up because I'm afraid that
during the night something will happen. I check on the baby all the time. She is two and a
half and I still think she could die of SIDS, or die in some freak stuffed animal
accident. Sometimes I lay in bed and I listen to the sound of Jeff's breathing, afraid
that if I close my eyes I may wake up and he be dead. I know, I'm sick, I need help.
Pottery was wonderful. It was
almost a spiritual experience, and now more than ever, I want my own wheel. My sister
showed up late, so I was able to be on the wheel the entire time. Forming the clay is
becoming easier, the feeling for the wheel and the relaxing feeling it generates allows me
to really get into it. I try to think of pottery like sex, you have to give if you want to
receive, you have to feel passion for your piece to accomplish what you desire, and if its
hurried you may not be satisfied in the end. If I get a wheel, I'm definitely going to set
up my web cam for all of you to watch me. It may not be as sexy as what you have seen on
Ghost, but you will get to see my freedom. Me, in leggings, a long shirt, no bra, hunched
over, hair dangling with dirt up to my elbows, and of course bare footed.
I formed several pieces, and I'm
very happy with the progress I'm making. My sister acted a little bitchy and wanted me to
get off the wheel so she could get on. She was busy glazing so I told her I would pull my
bat off as soon as she was ready to get on. Then she said sarcastically that there was no
way I could throw in 15 or 20 minutes. I assured her I could. Then she preceded to bitch
about the fact that she hadn't been on the wheel in over two months. Hell that's not my
fault. She has skipped numerous of classes, shows up late, leaves early, and drags her
feet. She had an attitude the whole time she was there talking down to me, and mumbling
When Jeff got home yesterday he
told me about his plans for the fall semester. He had just finished talking to his
advisor, also one of the deans, and they had discussed him finishing up grad school in two
years, instead of three. The past eighteen months he has spent taking classes to qualify
for the program, but they are graduate level courses. They are basically for students who
have bachelors degrees in math, science, or business that want to go into computer or
information science, and they are used to weed people out. Even though Jeff has a degree
in education he has the background to the equivalent of one in mathematics so he
qualified. He has been excepted into the program (he has a 4.0) and the Dean, feeling he
is intelligent enough to complete the course load in two years, is allowing him to do two
independent studies, and he will take some CIS classes one summer semester. Next semester
will be the hardest. He will have classes every night of the week, and he is doing an
independent study. Thankfully with his new teaching position he will only be teaching
three classes, and the same subject all day. I have a feeling though, I'm going to be
insane before next semester ends.
With his schedule being like it is
I don't see how the hell we can work on having a baby. I suppose I will work on my end, by
seeing the RE, having the tests run (HSG, blood work, etc), and just waiting until after
the first of the year. This could give me the opportunity to get in better shape and lose
some weight. My sister says she is going to give me some type of exercise bike they have
never used, if this is the case I will definitely use it. In my younger, skinnier years I
used to do spinning and I loved it. So unless some miracle happens I don't think the baby
making issue is going to be the forefront of our concerns until the first of the year. I
will still be following fertility awareness and if I do happen to ovulate, I'll be sure to
jump his bones.
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