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I've cried all day today. The first time the tears fell onto my cheeks was when Jeff and I got into a huge arguement. It was really ugly. Screaming and yelling, throwing things, and calling of names. Jeff can really scare me when he is angry. We were argueing because I've been asking him for the past four days to help me around the house and help with the packing. So far I have packed everybox, cleaned out every drawer, and every closet. He made this comment about me not "really" working because I stay at home with Wild Child. I feel unappreciated and disrespected when comments like that are made to me. The arguement got really heated and at one point I was hating him. He started throwing stuff around the house and trying to intimidate me, and all of this happen in front of our child. What is really strange is he usually doens't act like this, and that is why episodes like this really put me on edge. Later on he apologized but I haven't excepted his apology, and I don;t hink I will until I think its sincere enough. I'm hurt and I'm angry.

The second time I cried is when I got home from pottery class and say that V--- had written me email. Now before any of you think she wrote me an apology, think again, I have never known V--- to apologize, except maybe to a man. I had written her a short email about Wild Child and ome information about a local doctor we both know. I wrote her not to get a response, but to basicly say -- I'm here, I'm fine, Wild Child is fine and you are missing out. She wrote me a really nice email. I don't know of it was sincere or faked niceness, it is hard to tell, but I am surprised that she wrote back. I cried when I read it. Mainly because I do miss our friendship, I miss the laughter and the long talks and the way we knew each other so well. She was like family and it is still hard to believe the relationship is over. I'm bitter and I don;t know if I can forgive her, but I want to. I just think I am owed an apology. I just want to read or hear the words. If she could just apologize for what she did that day, that week and the half truths and lies that came out of her mouth, I know I could just forgive her. Right now I am afraid to forgive her. I am often tempted to call her but I never do. I don't want her to think that what she did to me was okay, and that I will just let it slide. (something she often accused me of doing with others) The letter basicly says she is seeing someone and doing volunteer work, and that she loves Wild Child and could I send her a picture. I wonder if she feels guilty, I wonder if she ever wants to call me just to talk or tell me the latest gossip, I wonder if she thinks about us, and I wonder if she will swallow her pride and say what I so desperately want to hear.

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I think my writing has been really sucky lately. I just haven't been in the mood. Forgive me.

 

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July 28, 1999

Mixed Emotions and the Great Debate

 

Listening to the sound of my breathing.

 

Just finished two articles in Fertility Awareness and Nonviolent Parenting in the home.

 

I'm doing great in pottery. I want a wheel so bad but don;t know if we should invest the money just yet. We will see.

 

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