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July 8, 1999 I am totally stressed out right now. Everything has been getting on my nerves, I feel as if the house is closing in on me and that I need to escape. Tuesdays and Thursdays are hard on me. Jeff is gone all day at work and then comes home briefly to go to class for five hours. This means that I get no break from the Wild Child. It's on these days I wonder if I can handle another child.

Wild Child is a high needs child. She is constantly needing attention and supervision. She is not content to play off by herself for longer than 10-15 minutes and its hard for me to get anything accomplished. For instance, if I am doing something she will pull on my clothes, hang on my leg, etc. until I can give her my undivided attention. If you turn your back for one minute, go to the restroom, or out to the laundry room she ends up in some sort of mischief that could have been avoided if you had your eye on her. The thing is you can't have your eye on her every second of every day.

I don't really talk about this with my friends or my husband, and I probably need to talk to a therapist about this but I have a problem with people touching me. Sex is one thing, or invited touching like asking my back to be rubbed or my feet I can handle but I do not like for people to caress my arms, hang on my legs, hang on me, or even to be hugged. It makes my skin crawl, I want to withdraw, and I feel panicky.I have not always been this way. Having a child has really made the situation more pronounced because I feel like my personal space is being violated all the time.

I loved breastfeeding, I did it for twenty months but some days I felt unclean, gross and violated. I could barely stand to have my baby caress my breast while she nursed or play with my hair. I tolerated it and acted like it didn't bother me but then after the nursing session was over I would feel relief. My daughter is a touchy, feely child and it takes every ounce of my being sometimes not to say "Don't touch me". I feel like such a horrible person and mother. Today is one of those days.

Some days are better than others. I've had panic attacks, I cry, and I don't know what to do about this. Its not like the touching is bad, it just makes me cringe, and feel physically sick. I've tried to search for answers, and I have none. I have never been molested (or that I can remember), raped, or physically abused. I can't pin point when it started, except that this started after I became married. These feelings of not wanting to be touched also come in phases, and do not seem to correspond with other things in my life. I have no idea what triggers it, or how long the episodes will last. I just want to find out why this happening and how I can get over this.

 

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Listening to Imagine Radio.
My favorite band is the Dave Mathews Band.
In pottery class I made a pencil and paper holder out of triangles.