Wanting more......

September 23,1999

This morning Elizabeth and I went to the park. It was a beautiful cool day to start the Fall season off. Hardly anyone was there and we had the freedom to run and climb all over the equipment. The park we go to is really nice and is designed like a giant fort. On the outside of the play area, there is a paved path for roller blading and strolling which is really nice. Soon after we arrived other mothers arrived with their toddlers in tow. Most the children that were playing were 2 and 3 years old, and I was thinking how I needed to come to the park more often so Elizabeth can have more socialization. As we played I noticed that *I was the only mother their not pregnant or carrying a second child. At first I thought I was imagining it, but I wasn't. I found myself becoming jealous of these other moms as I looked at their rounded bellies or newborns. It wasn't long before someone asked "Is she an only child?"

What's funny is that I have never thought of Elizabeth as an only child even though she is. Maybe it is because MsEm has played an active roll in our lives -- living with us and then staying with us all last year. I've never even let the thought enter my mind that she would be a only child. When this stranger asked me this question I soon was facing the reality that Elizabeth WAS and could remain an only child. I felt like someone had splashed water on my face bringing me back to reality.


When I was in college I never dreamed that I would have to struggle to get pregnant. I always took for granted that I would have children. The notion of being childless never entered my mind. Luckily after three and a half years we had Elizabeth. I just thought "We did it once, we can do it again." It's not happening. I have months of charts that indicate that I am not ovulating. This morning I took my temperature and it still remained below the cover line. I thought for a moment and thought "I still have a chance this cycle then." The moment the thought ran across my mind I knew I was lying to myself. I realized today when I was leaving the park how badly I want more children. I want another baby. I want Elizabeth to have siblings. It's not that I am not happy with the child that I have. She is the sun in my life that forever shines and she brings me more joy than I ever imagined. I want to add to that joy, can you blame me for that?


There was a terrible car accident on the interstate today not far from where I live. I truck carrying cattle tipped over and cows went everywhere. There were six different wrecks due to the cows. Some hit other cars to avoid hitting the cows and then tow cars hit cows as they were dashing across the interstate. I was watching the news and they kept showing footage of the cows running all over the place while the sheriffs department chased them.


I'm going to say something about my brother-in-law, the one that is being cheated on. I really think he deserves the way his wife treats him. He is a lazy fat ass who lies through his teeth. Jeff agreed to drive him and my nephew home, a 8 hour trip one way this weekend. Jeff made it perfectly clear that he and my nephew needed to be at our house on Friday evening (they are three hours from here) so they could leave early Saturday morning. This altered our whole weekend. I hardly see my husband as it is, plus he has studying to do, so it was a big deal to us that Jeff drive him back home. Several events are taking place this weekend also, The Greek Festival and the Home and Garden Show. Tonight Jeff's mom calls to tell us that they will not be driving in until Saturday morning. She proceeded to tell us that his oldest brother had told her that Jeff knew they were not coming until Saturday because he was going to a highschool football game, which was a total and complete lie. So not only will Jeff and I  not get to see our nephew for very long this will basically put Jeff in a bad situation with his school work. To say the least, we are both pissed. Jeff even said that he should have expected this because his older brother always acted underhanded while they were growing up.

I guess I have really never like Jeff's older brother. He always talks bad about me and calls me a bitch behind my back to Jeff. At times Jeff has even pulled that macho "I'm the man and I can be a dick" attitude with me in front of him. Butthead, as we will call him, is lazy and acts like Jeff's father minus being a drunk. I just have no use of him and no wonder his wife doesn't either.


























































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