October 6, 1999

I realized how intolerant and judgmental I really am.

I am a snob.

I'm not especially proud of it but it is something that I realize is a part of who I am. Why not be honest about it? I have been a closet snob up until now. I would do the politically correct thing and pretend that I believed everyone is equal when I do not. When topics of conversation came up and I had a strong opinion one way I often would take the middle road to avoid conflict or I would use cliches like "whatever is best for your family" and "not everything is so black and white". I'm sure most of you are familiar with these politically and socially acceptable remarks. Maybe the reason I hid my true feelings and beliefs was fear of rejection or exclusion. I only know now that I must be honest with myself and with others and if they can't love and accept me for who I am then maybe I do not need them in my life.

I think this especially holds true with my relationship with V---. She claimed to accept me for who I was and my differences but when I was honest and shared my true beliefs on certain subjects she didn't like it. Its been six months since the breakup of our friendship and though I was devastated at the time, I now feel liberated. I no longer have to worry about walking on egg shells and guarding my thoughts and opinions. I realize now that the reason I acted this way in the relationship is because I feared rejection and the loss of our friendship. I gave her too much power and in the end I suffered because of it. I will be sure not to make that mistake again.

I've been online now three years. Being online has helped me to see who I really am. I am a judgmental bitch and intolerant of people. Being on newsgroups, message boards and email lists has made it clear that I am just as prejudice as a KKK member is against African -Americans. When I read about parents spanking their children, I am disgusted and the first thing that comes to mind is ignorant trash even when they are educated. I look down on people who leave their children in daycare all day so they can have more material things and then say "but I have to work". When I meet women who admit that they had live in lovers while they were raising their children, I wonder what kind of morals they have. This is just a few examples of how intolerant and judgmental I am. Most of the things I am really intolerant about have to deal with parenting and children too. I'm not saying that I believe my parenting style is the one and only way but I do know that I do everything in my power to be the best mother and make choices that are best for my child. Smoking is another one of my hot buttons and I USED to be a smoker, nothing irritates me and pisses me off more than hearing about or seeing a pregnant person smoke. How trashy can you get? I feel the same way about people who smoke around their children and get drunk. Have they know shame?

As you can see I am pretty judgmental.

Want to get notified the next time I update my journal? Click here!




























Email me!