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Ordinary Times 11.5.99 I'm stressing. The house is a complete disaster, my mother-in-law is on her way to my house, and I am trying to decide what Jeff and I are going to do tonight. This morning I decided to escape to the outside world and go shopping. I first went to the mall where I bought Elizabeth some more winter clothes and Jeff some pajama's for Christmas. Luckily everything was on sale so I didn't spend a fortune. I then drove over to my friend Michelle's place of work and purchased a new queen size bed for our guest room. She gave me an excellent deal and so I took her to lunch. Luckily Elizabeth was on her best behavior. I was hoping that my sister-in-law and Jeff's brother would come for Christmas but he doesn't want to come. This means that there will be no one here at our house for Christmas. I was looking forward to having a big Christmas dinner here, but then my sister informed me that they had "uninvited" company coming for Christmas and that she didn't want to impose the companies children upon the rest of the family. My dad, Ed, told me that he might be spending Christmas with his dad and step-mom, and Jeff's family is going to Texas for Christmas. During times of holidays and family reunions it becomes pain stakenly clear that I have no family and Jeff's completely alienate us. One thing I always wanted for any children I might have was a strong, large family unit that we could have holiday get togethers with and enjoy other family functions together. Elizabeth will never have this, I will never have this, and Jeff who has had it doesn't care to have it again. *************** Tonight Jeff and I went to Copeland's for dinner. We actually had a wonderful time, talking and laughing and discussing our future. We talked about our options to have more children, and we are definitely going to seek infertility treatments but I also want to go ahead and start looking into adoption. He is a little hesitant about pursuing adoption at this time but he said that if we didn't get pregnant and have a baby after pursuing treatment then we could go ahead. I believe I am starting to become obsessed about having another child. We have actually been trying for over a year and I'm starting to feel like a complete failure. Every morning when I chart my BBT I see nothing but a failed reproductive system. By looking at my charts I am either not ovulating at all or my progesterone is low. I'm hoping that these things can be easily resolved and I can conceive and have a healthy baby. I'm really trying not to let this consume me, I have a life and a child, I should be content and satisfied with what we have, but I want more. I can't shake wanting more. |