What is your favorite song? How does it describe you? This summer I went out and bought the new Sarah McLaughlin cd. Most the songs I had heard before but song number nine "Fear". The first time I heard it I was in the car and I cried. The words spoke to me and I couldn't get them out of my head. I kept pushing repeat on the cd player just to hear it again and again.

The beginning made me think of Elizabeth and when she was born and the first year of her life, and how during that time my mother died. The line, "but I fear I have nothing to give" , is a clear description of how I felt after my mother's death. I had given all I had to my mother and a newborn child.   I had nothing left to give my family, my marriage or myself. I often felt alone and wondered how I would pull myself out of the depression.

"I have so much to lose here in this lonely place"

This is exactly what I felt when I was at home everyday. I had friends, I had a child and husband but I felt like I was trapped in my own home, with no escape and I was lonely. I felt like I was losing who I was and what I wanted from my life. It was then that I started questioning my beliefs in god and evaluating what was really important to me. I lost a lot during this time. I lost religion, I lost god, and I lost some idealistic views about life. I gained   perspective and direction and I eventually pulled myself out of my lonely place.

When I hear "Fear" I am reminded of my limitations. I recall my grief and depression and how that period of my life changed me. It's a song about where I was a year ago but I'm just now hearing it, understanding it and being thankful that I am out of it.

Back to Under the Moon