September 21, 1999 Reading:
Positive Discipline by
Jane Nelson
Listening:
Imagine Radio
Eating:
Nothing but I am craving nachos
On the boob tube:
The History Channel
Yesterday
Tomorrow
Journal
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I am sitting here with all kinds
of thoughts running through my head. I wonder who could have molested Gavin , or if
nothing happened at all and an innocent incident got blown out of proportion. Margo is
angry with me because I have not offered to care for her child because I stay at home with
my child. On the phone her sarcasm and rude remarks grate on my every nerve and I want to
scream "MAYBE IF YOU HAD STAYED AT HOME AND SPENT MORE TIME WITH YOUR CHILDREN THIS
WOULD NOT HAVE HAPPENED." I know that is a terrible remark to make, but I have
thought that if she had been more attentive and not so wrapped up in her career this might
have been avoided or caught earlier then now. She tries to make me feel guilt and she
can't understand that I have nothing more to give.This is it. I have nothing more to give to my
family and friends. They will have to accept it. I have my own family, my own ambitions,
and my own crisis' to manage. What more can I give? I have given loyalty and support. I
have listened and given as much time as I can afford. Don't make me feel guilty when I
have to say "NO".
The line has been drawn. It was drawn
when my mother died. It was drawn when I realized the first year of my child's life was
spent in and out of hospitals as I took care of my mother. It was drawn when some of the
most precious moments were like a haze to me. I gave up on trying to please everyone all
of the time when I realized my child was spending her days in hospital corridors playing
on the floor and taking naps in a stroller.
I do not want any outside
responsibilities. I am finally at a place in my life where I feel content and I have the
time to enjoy life. The last few weeks I have been able to make new friends, start
exercising and actually enjoying it, and spending a higher quality of time with Wild Child
and Jeff. I know that I am ready to have another child and I know that I want to be more
active in developing my talents.
Why is it that I feel like such a
selfish bitch when I say "No" or "I can't"?
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