January 9, 2000
In Depth and Personal

I'm tired. It's only seven o'clock PM and I feel as though I could crawl into the bed right now. Elizabeth is sick with a god-awful viral infection. It started out on Wednesday with a low grade fever and now it is a full blow sickness with runny nose, coughing, difficulty breathing, and round the clock medicine. I'm not use to her being like this.

I hate being sick and I hate being around sickness. I know this all started when I was younger and everytime I even sniffled my mother was pumping me full of antibiotics and taking my temperature rectally. My mother was not healthy during my formative years and I can remember her lying in bed, coughing and sneezing and complaining. For years I feared germs and getting ill, I didn't want to be frail and weak.

When I think about being sick or about other people being sick the only thing that comes to mind is weak. Weak immune system, weak mind, weak body, and a weak soul. Failure. When Elizabeth is sick, I believe in some way I have failed her, even when I know logically that there is nothing I can do to prevent the flu, allergies, or colds, I still think that there was something I could have done to prevent her pain.

I think back to the time I took care of my mom during that last year of her life with cancer. She appeared well on the outside but on the inside cancer had spread to all the major organs of the body. I watched her struggle and I watched her succumb to fear and to death. In some ways I believe she gave up, and lost her will to live and enjoy her life. She would spend hours in her robe, sitting on the couch, depressed and crying on how unfair life was. Some days it was hard to take. I felt like my life was being sucked out of me and I wanted to escape. I wanted to escape her illness, the sickness that now ruled not only her life but mine as well.

I'm probably not making a whole lot of since right now. Maybe I should explain.

This past week a woman has been writing me about her mother who recently came out of remission from leiomyosarcoma, the same cancer my mother had. The daughter is looking to me for advice and information about this disease and I have tried to be honest and supporting. She says her mother is not wanting to seek conventional treatment that may lower her quality life, which probably will not even extend her life, and that she is choosing to continue as she always has. Today I got a very distressing email about some unusual symptoms the mother was experiencing. The same symptoms and many others with LMS have before dying. I had very little words of comfort to offer really. I felt like it was May eleventh all over again.

I gave this woman my home phone number. I'm not sure if that was a wise thing to do, but I did it anyway because I felt her desperation, and her need to talk to someone that had been there before. All day I have waited for the phone to ring and here this strangers voice on the other end.

Just another face in the crowd

The past two nights I spent with Stacy. Friday night we went and got something to eat at El Giro, a local Mexican restaurant, and then to watch her sister play basketball. After the game was over we drove to the island and talked about all kinds of shit. One main topic of conversation was dick size and what kind of sex we liked. As we drove around, we would pause during our conversation to sing songs along with the soundtrack Notting Hill. It was a perfect evening. Last night we took a bit more easy. She came by and we looked at some cottages. (I'm convinced she needs to buy a house.) Then we watched Bram Stroker's Dracula, she had never seen it, and ate pizza and hot wings. We got into a conversation about movies when it came up that she had never seen Practical Magic. I was shocked and insisted that we go rent it. It is one of my favorite movies!

It seems like everyone on the street is sick. Elizabeth was passed out on the couch from her medication so I wandered outside and met up with Rebecca (wife of husband who had sex dreams about me). We got to talking and before I knew it we were in my living room chatting for over an hour. She is just getting over the crud, so she wasn't afraid to come in doors and sit a spell with me. The Beaters will not even come out of their house because they are afraid of catching this nasty illness. I owe Mrs. Beater some money and when I offered to bring it by, she rudely said no, claiming my check would have germs on it. I swear some people are just too fanatical.

Random Ramblings About My Life

Jeff and I painted our kitchen a lovely shade of green yesterday.

The Cool's baby is finally out of the hospital.

I have an ear ache.

I'm going out of town at the end of the month.

I ripped up the new vinyl when I moved the refrigerator.

If you do not belong to the notify list how will you know when I update? I suggest you sign up, because my child is sick and my week is full of things I need to be doing so updating may be difficult.

I have two packages that need to be mailed. One is to Rob and Julie and the other is my nephews birthday and Christmas presents. I'm a package mailing procrastinator.




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reading: Mother of Pearl by Melinda Haynes

listening: The Narada Wilderness Collection

eating: baked chicken and mashed potatoes

drinking: coke