I'm tired. It's
only seven o'clock PM and I feel as though I could crawl into the bed right now. Elizabeth
is sick with a god-awful viral infection. It started out on Wednesday with a low grade
fever and now it is a full blow sickness with runny nose, coughing, difficulty breathing,
and round the clock medicine. I'm not use to her being like this.
I hate being sick and I hate being around
sickness. I know this all started when I was younger and everytime I even sniffled my
mother was pumping me full of antibiotics and taking my temperature rectally. My mother
was not healthy during my formative years and I can remember her lying in bed, coughing
and sneezing and complaining. For years I feared germs and getting ill, I didn't want to
be frail and weak.
When I think about being sick or about other people being sick
the only thing that comes to mind is weak. Weak immune system, weak mind, weak body, and a
weak soul. Failure. When Elizabeth is sick, I believe in some way I have failed her, even
when I know logically that there is nothing I can do to prevent the flu, allergies, or
colds, I still think that there was something I could have done to prevent her pain.
I think back to the time I took care of my mom during that last
year of her life with cancer. She appeared well on the outside but on the inside cancer
had spread to all the major organs of the body. I watched her struggle and I watched her
succumb to fear and to death. In some ways I believe she gave up, and lost her will to
live and enjoy her life. She would spend hours in her robe, sitting on the couch,
depressed and crying on how unfair life was. Some days it was hard to take. I felt like my
life was being sucked out of me and I wanted to escape. I wanted to escape her illness,
the sickness that now ruled not only her life but mine as well.
I'm probably not making a whole lot of since right now. Maybe I
This past week a woman has been writing me about her mother who
recently came out of remission from leiomyosarcoma, the same cancer my mother had. The
daughter is looking to me for advice and information about this disease and I have tried
to be honest and supporting. She says her mother is not wanting to seek conventional
treatment that may lower her quality life, which probably will not even extend her life,
and that she is choosing to continue as she always has. Today I got a very distressing
email about some unusual symptoms the mother was experiencing. The same symptoms and many
others with LMS have before dying. I had very little words of comfort to offer really. I
felt like it was May eleventh all over again.
I gave this woman my home phone number. I'm not sure if that was
a wise thing to do, but I did it anyway because I felt her desperation, and her need to
talk to someone that had been there before. All day I have waited for the phone to ring
and here this strangers voice on the other end.
Just another face in the crowd
The past two nights I spent with Stacy. Friday night we went and
got something to eat at El Giro, a local Mexican restaurant, and then to watch her sister
play basketball. After the game was over we drove to the island and talked about all kinds
of shit. One main topic of conversation was dick size and what kind of sex we liked. As we
drove around, we would pause during our conversation to sing songs along with the
soundtrack Notting Hill. It was a perfect evening. Last night we took a bit more easy. She
came by and we looked at some cottages. (I'm convinced she needs to buy a house.) Then we
watched Bram Stroker's Dracula, she had never seen it, and ate pizza and hot wings. We got
into a conversation about movies when it came up that she had never seen Practical Magic.
I was shocked and insisted that we go rent it. It is one of my favorite movies!
It seems like everyone on the street is sick. Elizabeth was
passed out on the couch from her medication so I wandered outside and met up with Rebecca
(wife of husband who had sex dreams about me). We got to talking and before I knew it we
were in my living room chatting for over an hour. She is just getting over the crud, so
she wasn't afraid to come in doors and sit a spell with me. The Beaters will not even come
out of their house because they are afraid of catching this nasty illness. I owe Mrs.
Beater some money and when I offered to bring it by, she rudely said no, claiming my check
would have germs on it. I swear some people are just too fanatical.
Random Ramblings About My Life
Jeff and I painted our kitchen a lovely shade of green yesterday.
The Cool's baby is finally out of the hospital.
I have an ear ache.
I'm going out of town at the end of the month.
I ripped up the new vinyl when I moved the refrigerator.
If you do not belong to the notify list how will you know
when I update? I suggest you sign
up, because my child is sick and my week is full of things I need to be doing so
updating may be difficult.
I have two packages that need to be mailed. One is to Rob and Julie and the other is my
nephews birthday and Christmas presents. I'm a package mailing procrastinator.