When the time comes

October 19, 1999


Today the time had come to go to the funeral home and arrange for a marker for mom's grave. I had been putting it off for the past  seventeen months, but I wasn't quite ready to deal with the finality of it all. Over a year ago I worked on the sketches, and since then they have sat in portfolio book waiting to be cast. After some family pressure, my sister and I met with the memorial salesman and showed him what I had drawn up this afternoon and we were thrilled when they told us that they could do it. It's going to be more expensive but I don't care, I just want something on there that is going to reflect who she is.

I arrived forty-five minutes early for the meeting on purpose so I can go out and sit under the oaks in the cemetery section where mom and Tim are buried. I ate my lunch while Elizabeth napped and then I got out to visit all the relatives that have moved on to the next realm. Going to the cemetery is like going to family reunion, all but a few members are dead. I decided to sketch out a few things to kill the time, and I drew up such a beautiful tree I decided to use it for mom's memorial marker.

I thought I would be all depressed but by the time the meeting was over, I was relieved to get the ball rolling on the memorial. I think mom would be happy with what we have in mind and at least I have the knowledge that one of my drawings will be around forever, cast in copper and stone, literally. I'm also hoping that with this behind me, I can move onto more positive things in my life, like pursuing my writing and more children.

Lately I have been doing some research on adoption, which Jeff and I both feel is an option for us. I'm kinda skeptical on the open adoption route but I have read that you can usually have a baby within six months to a year once your homestudy is complete. My real concern is the cost of the adoption. I'm not sure how much we can afford to spend. The same goes for infertility treatment. I know we are not willing to spend thousands of dollars on infertility treatment for years that may never even give us another child, especially when we can go the adoption route and have a child in our arms.

I'm afraid to be scrutinized by birthparents. That is one of my fears when it comes to adoption, rejection. I'm afraid they will take one look at my appearance and they will say "She's too fat, next" or they will look at our religion and see that we have "none".  I wonder if having a biological child will effect our chances or not having a dog. I'm also afraid of getting attached to a birthmother and have her change her mind after the birth or bringing a baby home only to have the birth parents change their mind a few months later.

I'm hoping that I won't have to worry about all this, that I'll get pregnant on my own or that a few rounds of drugs and I'll get pregnant and carry a baby to term. I was looking at my calendar today and was thinking how cool it would be if I could get pregnant in the next few weeks and get a positive test in DisneyWorld, or get pregnant while we are staying there and I could announce it at Christmas. I'm getting way ahead of myself.

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