2-22-99

When I was a little girl I loved to play pretend. I loved to imagine myself being a mom and having a house full of children. I believed that being a wife and mother was the most glamorous job a woman could have. I dreamed of finding prince charming, having a fairy tell wedding, and having beautiful children. In fact I can't remember a time in my life that I didn't want to be a wife or a mother. Having a husband and being able to bear children is what I thought being a woman was all about.

Today I am a married stay at home mother of one child, and I have come to realize that the role and path I have chosen does not necessarily define who I am. I am not just a wife or a mother, but a wise woman growing in wisdom each day. My thinking has changed and I am learning to grow with change and expressing my inner thought and emotions to show the true me. I am a very forward and bold person, yet at times I lie to myself, thinking I can actually give myself an excuse when I do not follow my heart or sound judgement. I try to lead my family in truth, yet at times I fail miserably at it. Over the past year I have realized the importance of being true to yourself, being in tuned with your body, and being able to express your emotions. I think for along time many women have been ignoring these things, and it has hurt us as a whole in our society. I think this especially true when it comes to our bodies.

As a teenager I began to have reproductive problems after a miscarriage I had at age 16. Instead of being honest with my mother about having premarital sex with my boyfriend, I concealed a pregnancy and then upon discovering I was miscarrying failed to go to her and seek medical attention. For 20 months I continued to have painful periods and excessive bleeding. At the age of 18 I had a D&C, began taking birthcontrol pills, and tried to forget what had happened. A year later I married Mr. Wonderful, quit taking the pill and slowly watched my body fall apart. I ignored the annovulatory cycles, the rapid weight gain, and the change in my sexual drive. Upon visiting a local Planned Parenthood clinic on advice about my cycles and the weight gain, I was basically told to take the pill again and to eat less and exercise more. Being naive and feeling stupid I left the clinic and decided that maybe it was all in my head. I really did not want to get back on the pill because we were wanting to start a family right away, so I decided to diet. Instead of losing I gained, and my periods were getting farther and farther apart. By the age of 21 I was having one period about every five months and I was fifty pounds overweight. I began studying proper nutrition, fertility awareness to help achieve a pregnancy, and I saw a physician who diagnosed me with hypothyroidism. Because I was border line she thought that instead of taking medication to help control the problem, that I should follow a specific diet and exercise. Again I ignored my thoughts and feelings. I told my self that she was the trained professional even though I felt I should be on medication to control the thyroid problem and that I thought that my annovulatory cycles could be a sign of more serious problems.

Trying to have a baby when you don't even ovulate is pretty hard, it gets even harder when your husband has a low sperm count. My dream of what I thought womanhood was supposed to be was shattered. Infertility is every couple's nightmare that wants to have children. I was using Fertility Awareness Method, charting month to month of non existent cycles, occasionally seeing changes that indicated ovulation, only to realize several weeks later that we had not created a child and wondering who was to blame. Was it me? Was it him? Maybe we were being punished? My Ob/Gyn suggested medication to stimulate my ovaries, something at the age of 21 I was not ready to pursue. So I still kept charting my cycles using FAM, hoping that I would get a break.

In 1996, my brother was murdered March 18. He was missing for almost three and half weeks before we found his body. I hardly slept, and lived off sugar and caffeine for a month straight, as I headed search groups, answered telephones and did numerous interviews with the newspaper and local television stations. I had no time for sex much less, charting my cycles and at that time in my life I felt my life was on hold. Yet something inside of me shortly after the funeral told me to start charting again. I had not had a period in seven months, and even though I thought the idea of trying to conceive was absurd and a long shot I was really to try just for the sake of trying. Twelve days after my brother's funeral, and at this time six weeks of no sexual activity the signs of ovulation were there, and me and Mr. Wonderful did the baby dance. Not wanting to get my hopes up or his I decided not to tell him I was ovulating at the time.

I needed to get away for awhile so I went to spend the remainder of the month with my aunt in Savannah, Georgia. It was refreshing to stay away and I continued to chart my cycle. My BBT was rising nicely and on the thirteenth day after ovulation was triphasic. I suspected I was pregnant, but decided to wait a few more days before taking a home pregnancy test. On the seventeenth high day of temps I went to a local WalMart with my uncle and purchased a double pack of EPT pregnancy tests. I wanted to take one as soon as I got home but I knew the first urine of the day would have higher amounts of HCG if I was pregnant. At five am the next morning I woke up and took the first test. I peed in a glass jar because I wanted to be able to take the second test as well to confirm the results. I waited for three minutes, and sure enough I had two very pink lines. I was pregnant, but wanting to confirm the results I took the second test as well. It also came out positive so I rushed to call Mr. Wonderful. Because of the time difference it was a little after four am. He answered in a weak, sleepy voice and announced our achievement. He was very excited and we talked for several minutes about the anticipation of a baby in our lives.

Having children is a wonderful experience. I hope that one day we will have another child to love and care for. I would like Wild Child to grow up with a sibling, and enjoy the relationship siblings share like my brother and I did. I also hope that as Wild Child grows that she will learn to listen to her inner self, listen to her body, and not be afraid to express herself to others. I am well aware that experience is a teacher but I would like my daughter's generation, especially the females of her generation to be more in touch with their biology and their inner wisdom.