March 31, 1999

I've been having a difficult time as of late with my spiritual walk and the religion in which I was raised. I was raised in a fundamental christian family. We started out Baptist, I went to a Independent Methodist school for 8 years and a Church of Christ school for 2, and around the age of ten my parents became involved in the charismatic/word of faith movement. My family was very conservative, right-wing, and bordered on being like the Reconstruction Movement. My father thought a woman's whole purpose was to serve men and children were basically to propagate the species. I grew up in a very homophobic, pro-life extremist, racist home. Everything was tainted bad or evil or demon possessed. I remember my mother burning record albums, dolls, stuffed animals, and clothing because it was deemed evil and sinful. We went to church three times a week, twice on Sunday and on Wednesday nights. My mother was involved with AGLOW, and several bible studies and so was my dad. I participated in the youth group along with my siblings. At nine I was saved but I was never baptised because of a fear of drowning. I often wonder if I got saved because of fear of going to hell.

Today I am insecure in my christian beliefs. I no longer know if I am saved. I'm liberal, pro-choice, and a feminist. I don't exactly fit in. I no longer believe the bible is inerrant and I no longer believe in a male god. I believe in a historical Jesus, but I am unsure of his mission. I am unsure if there is a hell or devil or a rapture.

I think if there is a heaven I'm not heading there.