October 7, 1999

Here is what I wrote to my notify list after finding out and early this morning:

I feel like I can't breathe. My heart is pounding wildly. My husband, unknown to me let our old, fat gray tabby named Barney outside. I usually do not notice him during the day due to his laziness but tonight when I didn't see him snuggled in our bed I asked Jeff where was Barney. And then he told me he put him out at 2 am.
We live on a street that is naked, no trees or shrubbery, and the surrounding area is mostly construction.
I am panicking because Barney is gone and I'm afraid he has been murdered by some dog or truck or evil construction worker or forever lost because he is not home. This cat never misses a meal.
This cat SAVED, literally, my marriage and now he is gone thanks to my shit head husband. I am crying buckets. I hope my cat comes home. How will I explain to Elizabeth what happened to her cherished pet? I don't know if I can forgive Jeff -- he was so stupid and irresponsible.
His reaction to all this is pure ugliness -- calling me names and say I am over reacting -- if the cat had been gone a few hours it would be one thing, but he has been gone a day-- he was yelling and screaming at me and being a complete jack ass. I can't even look at him. He hasn't even said he was sorry.
I am so depressed.

and:

Well, I haven't slept well, my back is killing me and I hate my husband. I couldn't even look at him this morning. still no apology. Our words to one another were cold and few. I went out looking for about thirty minutes for him the neighbors are going to label me the crazy cat women. I'm not looking very attractive write now -- hair is a mess, no makeup, eyes look like someone poked something in them and my clothes look nasty. I'm yelling "Barney" as I walk up and down the street. I know he is gone. I just have this gut awful feeling that my beloved pet will never get seen again. Its starting to rain here. I hope he is alive, I hope he hasn't been murdered, I hope that by some miracle he comes home or someone spots him. I hope Elizabeth doesn't notice or say anything today. I'm not doing so well. I know all of you are thinking, its just a cat, but he is more than that, he is a symbol of my marriage, of what we came through to be together, and he is symbol of our stability. I loved that cat -- he has been a great sense of comfort and joy in my life the last 5 years.

With each hour that passes I know it is more unlikely he will come home. The rain is getting harder and it is getting colder outside. IF he is alive, at least he is fat enough to survive for several days, even a week. I only have a small amount of faith that he will return. I left the living room window open so he could come in should he come home. I can't believe he wandered off. This is something the cat has never done before, even when we lived in our old house. I miss him terribly. The thoughts of losing him are consuming me. I'm not sure if I can forgive Jeff for this. He may not have done it on purpose but he did do it out of stupidity. It seems everytime he does screw up he does it because 1) he doesn't listen because he tunes people out and 2) he has no common sense.

::::sigh::::

:::::crying:::::

2:16pm

This morning I decided to do some leg work on finding Barney. I went to this area that is supposed to be fenced off because it is protected wetlands but the gate was missing. It was like walking into a small piece of heaven. Wild flowers everywhere, pussy willows, shrubbery and their were lots of birds and other types of animals scurrying about. I wondered if Barney was in there, sleeping or bird watching. He is very lazy and has been known to lay in the same place for up to fourteen hours. So I called for him, more like screamed for him and nothing. I'm hoping that is where he is and he is only hiding and that he will find his way back home. I then walked to the small part of woods left in the area and called for him. Elizabeth thought this was a game and she began calling out his name "Barney, Come here kitty" and I almost lost it. She doesn't realize that he is missing, yet.
So when the Cool neighbors get home I am going to walk down there and put out some food for him. They live closest to the woods and I am hoping that the sent of Meow Mix will lead him out if he is there. When I called the Beaters to tell them about the cat, she was very unsympathetic, saying that he was just an animal. I'm starting to feel real contempt for that bitch.
Jeff will be home in an hour. I wonder if he will make any effort to find Barney.

8:30

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