December 24, 1999   Sweeping Up Under The Rug
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reading: Mother of Pearl by Melinda Haynes

listening: Ani Difranco - Living in Clip

eating: a various assortment of cheeses, dips, and pastries I am cooking

drinking: Merlot



In Depth and Personal

I'm really aggravated with my extended family this morning. I'm tired of being taken advantage of, I'm tired of being lied to, and I'm tired of the under handedness.

My sister and I have gotten really close since the death of my mother. Where there was always a strain there is less of one now. This new closeness has not diminished her doubled edged tongue that can in one minute be full of kindness and another slash you with harshness and cruelty. As a child, I often cringed at confrontations with her because she is actually more quick tongue then I am. She can't argue constructively so she strikes low blows. For years I have listened to underhanded off the cuff remarks. I've kept my mouth shut to avoid any confrontation with the one person in my family I am remotely close too at the moment. I feel weak whenever I realize she has lied to me or done something completely underhanded.

A few weeks ago we discussed whether or not she and her family would be coming to Christmas dinner. It was decided that they were so we discussed a time. My Dad would be unable to come at noon, because he had other obligations but would come later to see the children open their gifts. This was fine with me, but then she chimed in that maybe we should do it at a later time, like four or five, so all of us could be together. I thought it was a good idea, and she then said that she would fix a roast instead of the traditional turkey or ham since it was at my house (I have to clean, cook, etc).

Little did I know that "SUCKER" had been stamped upon my forehead.

For the past two days I have been trying to get in contact with my sister about Christmas Dinner and working on our Dad's Christmas gift. Finally last night I reached her. She went into a spill about how busy she had been. Then I brought up the cooking of the roast. There was silence. Either she forgot that she was going to cook it or realized that she dug herself into a hole. I could tell by the way she was talking she didn't want to cook the roast, and then I found out why. She was having people over at noon for a Christmas Dinner. "Hmmmmm," I thought to myself, "so this is the reason you suggested an evening dinner, so this is the reason you are acting like you do not want to cook a roast."

You are probably wondering why this bothers me. It bothers me that she didn't come out and say "We are having people over at noon Christmas Day for dinner." If that had been the case I would have said, "Ok, then we will just have dinner at noon and all of us get together around five to open gifts." So instead of having one person who has already eaten a huge meal, we will have four more. I felt like she was underhanded. I asked her point blank, "Do you want me to cook something instead?"

Now I am cooking the whole god-damn meal. I'm cleaning, I'm cooking, and I'm cleaning the mess up. Lovely, just fucking lovely. Everyone else will just show up with full bellies, feeling lazy and tired from all the other days activities and I will be slaving for nothing.

Next year we are having Christmas Dinner at Noon.

Just Another Face In The Crowd

I went to Sam's and the grocery store this morning. It was actually not crowded. On my way out of the neighborhood I got gas in the car and was shocked at how much it was per gallon, $1.35. Seems like the gas stations are going to milk this Y2K hysteria for all its worth.

At Sam's I bought our Christmas ham and at the grocery store picked up some potatoes and rolls. I was looking at bread and noticed that a loaf of bread was $1.98. I was shocked! So I decided to walk around the store and see what else had gone up on price. Milk, $3.26! Coffee, $4.99! Tuna in a can, $.79! I guess the grocery stores are getting ready for Y2K too!

The Church of Kim

Tonight is Christmas Eve. As a little girl, we would sit around and listen to the story of Jesus being born and pray. A nativity scene sat on the piano, and we were reminded of the importance of Jesus' birth. I was thinking about all this tonight. I thought about my mother, and I wondered what she would say about my unbelief, my pagan ideals, and the fact that I am raising my child as far from Christianity as I can get. For some reason I just can't escape these thoughts.

Random Ramblings About My Life

I bought an 8.26lb ham for $15.67

I made eight dozen cookies and stuffed mushrooms.

Jeff drank too much wine.

I hate me Christmas tree.

My friend K--- gave me some beautiful millenium mugs.

The Cools called from out of town to wish us a Merry Christmas.

There is a gas leak on our street.

I met the newest additions to the street, Steve and Christine. She is six months pregnant.

I have three packages to mail out as soon as I get some money.

Jeff gets his check on the 31st. 

I hope.

By the way, Happy Holidays!