May 15, 1999

Today is my Birthday. Its 1 am and I am up wide awake, depressed. My age is not what bothers me, I'm in my mid-twenties, and I have a bright future ahead of me, its the past that haunts me. My mother's wake was on my Birthday. My Cool Aunt talked me into having the wake on my birthday and I foolishly in my grief agreed. It was a horrible moment that Friday night as I walked into the funeral home and into that room. My mother laid in casket and she looked horrible! She looked like she had gained 100lbs, her neck was crooked, they had this gaudy lip stick on her, I screamed. It didn't look like her. I kept asking what happened to her? I was so upset I almost passed out. My dad didn't even recognize her and ran out, screaming the wrong body was in the casket. My grandfather was horrified. I started screaming for them to "fucking close the casket", I was hysterical and my sister was speechless. Then we all got in this huge argument about closing the casket, and we decided that mom would have not wanted people to see her looking that way. After we buried her we found out that they did not prepare her body correctly and that the pressure from flying caused the bloat look.(she died in Houston) What a great fucking birthday that was.

Yesterday I was so upset, crying, I couldn't think and wanted to talk to anyone so I called V---. She is my best friend. Well I was sobbing and begged for her to call me back, and that I was having a real hard time. Do you think she did? No. I feel like she has betrayed me, I have lost total faith in her. If she doesn't call me later today, I think I'll go get my things from her house and forget the whole relationship. Thirteen years of friendship down the toilet. I want to cry just thinking about it.

After my moment of weakness my Cool Aunt called me to wish me a happy birthday, and to tell me she is mailing my present late. It better be a damn good present. We talked for two hours and I cried and told her about how depressed I was. For once she was very understanding. The Cool Aunt has been distant since all this happened with my mom. She was ten years younger than my mother and is fifteen years older than me, and we used to be really close but the past year has worn at our relationship. After having most of your family members die off in a four year span will do that to you.

Last night Jeff brought me hot wings for dinner. They were really great. He knew I was depressed and was really sweet BUT then he decided he wanted to have sex. He was feeling all over me like a dog licks a ham bone and I was not turned on at all. I rarely turn down sex, but I wasn't in the making love mood, or a horny mood or a violent sex mood so sex was definitely out of the question.

Jeff's grades came today. He is so DAMN smart. Every semester he complains about how he is going to fail, and how he never has enough time to study. He has ranted and raved more times than I care to mention. He really has a complex about not being a good enough, what he doesn't realize is that when you have a fucking IQ of a genius and have a 4.0 you are good enough. Anyway I didn't tell him his grades came ... until he was asleep. After he went to bed last night I went in to our room and whispered his grades to him. I'm going to see if he remembers when he wakes up.

Oh I forgot to tell you that my plans for this weekend were trashed. Jeff had arranged for MIL to come but she got sick and cancelled on us. Soooo.....

I've decided that for my birthday we are going to get together a picnic, grab the camera, and visit cemeteries. There are some local cemeteries I haven't shot yet. Its my birthday and I really want to do this. It will really bore Jeff but Wild child will love running around the graves and pretending like she is reading them. I may even do some grave rubbings. I'll have to remember to bring the paper and charcoal.

Until next time... Hey that sounds like a good journal title!

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